Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Found your dick twin last night
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
