I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
