he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
