This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Someone came in the potted fern
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
