Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
