as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
