And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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