Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
