So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
