I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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