Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
