her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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