How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
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