woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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