Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
