I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
When are your genitals available?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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