Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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