Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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