he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
