I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
