When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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