If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My legs feel like baby dolphins
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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