I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
