we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
