my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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