remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
