Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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