I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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