aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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