It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
