I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
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were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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