I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
