dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
