Kiss
Puke
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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