That's when you crack a 10am beer
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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