I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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