I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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