Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
