Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
