omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
