Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
