You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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