no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
