I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
do herpes really smell.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
