I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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