I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
