Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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