U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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