I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
