she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just found puke in my bra..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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