Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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