I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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