Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
