Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
