The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
