It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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