I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
