He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
