i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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