Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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